


Take This Weight of Mine

by Cirrius_Akiyo



Series: Love in the Dark [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Eddie Diaz Goes to Therapy, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Not Beta Read, Post-Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Songfic, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirrius_Akiyo/pseuds/Cirrius_Akiyo
Summary: “I’m scared.”The words were blurted out of his mouth the second he sinks onto the worn-out brown couch. Frank really could use some interior design makeover, but that is a comment reserve for another day when Eddie is not feeling like the world is swallowing him whole.OrA fic where Eddie goes to therapy and actually talk his heart out.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Love in the Dark [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812451
Comments: 6
Kudos: 111





	Take This Weight of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> After almost a month of not posting any work or update, I did something 🙈.
> 
> I really want to write a fic where Eddie actually talk during the session. While I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, I am a certified marital mediator, so I hope it will do Eddie justice. 
> 
> To quote my dear @novemberhush : be kinder to yourself. ❤️
> 
> The title is from the epic song: Carry You by Ruelle ft. Fleurie. 
> 
> This song will always be Eddie's anthem, and I feel like it fits with the storyline. 
> 
> I couldn't listen to the song without reliving the scene in Eddie Begins.

_“I know it hurts_

_It’s hard to breathe sometimes_

_These nights are long_

_You’ve lost the will to fight_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you lead me to the light?_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Tell me it’ll all be alright”_

///

“I’m scared.”

The words were blurted out of his mouth the second he sinks onto the worn-out brown couch. Frank really could use some interior design makeover, but that is a comment reserve for another day when Eddie is not feeling like the world is swallowing him whole.

Frank does not even bat an eyelash at his sudden burst out. “And what are you scared of?” He calmly asks instead, while scribbling short notes in the notepad.

Eddie lets out a heavy breath, not really prepared to answer the question. He knows the point of coming back here is to talk about the fear that is eating him alive, but even the idea of talking about it is scary to him.

“Eddie…” Frank coaxes, his face void of any judgmental look that Eddie has seen so many times etched on his father’s face when Eddie insisted that man can feel fear, that man too, can cry. That his son could bawled his eyes out at his mother’s funeral without needing to feel ashamed.

“Losing Buck.”

The two words tearing Eddie at his core, gnawing at his heart.

Frank puts his notepad down to seek Eddie’s brimming eyes. “Good, that is good. Admitting the fear out loud is a brave move. Why do you think you will lose Buck?”

Eddie cards through his hair, messing with the gels he had styled diligently this morning, remembering feeling amused at Buck’s own attempt to tame his wild curls. The coziness he was feeling this morning is a stark contrast to the chill that is sitting heavily on his gut now.

“I’ve ruined my marriage before, and I vowed to do right by Buck in every step of the way. But when the aneurysm hits, right after I’ve messed up things with him,” Eddie paused, before continuing, “I can’t help but to think I will only ruin every good thing that I have.” Eddie swallows hard, averting his eyes from making contact with Frank’s.

“And what does Buck think?” The question slides easily from Frank.

“Why is that important here?” Eddie almost shout, throat bobbing as if his airway is swollen shut.

“Do you want to talk why is it not important?” Frank changes his tactic.

And ain’t that working well, because damn, Eddie does want to talk about it. He wants to scream and yell and tell Frank all about it, just so this damn feeling will leave his system.

“Buck forgives me, and keep insisting that after all this fiasco, there’s nothing to forgive for because I am not in the wrong. Everybody is saying that I should forgive myself. Hell, Buck acts like nothing life-changing has happened. He’s even looking at some scuba diving brochures few weeks ago and at some paragliding shortly after like it is normal! Like he did not undergo a brain surgery few months ago.” Eddie feels his throat raw, not because of the shouting, but because the words felt jagged, scrapping at his flesh.

Frank hums, acknowledging Eddie’s explosion of emotions. “I think I understand this better now.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie lets out a heavy exhale, willing to make a small eye-contact with Frank who is still looking directly at him, but surprisingly, Eddie does not feel judged.

“You almost lost Buck, again. You’re still afraid of losing him, but Buck is living his life now, wanting to try new things, experiencing new thrills.”

“I don’t… I don’t quite understand.” Eddie stares at Frank with confusion lacing his face.

“With your line of work and from your experience as an army medic, you know how fast something could go wrong and how important it is for you to be in control, to be able to control and contain the situation. But Buck’s aneurysm is out of your control.” Frank provides, and each word is so true it aches.

“And that is so terrifying. He could die of something I cannot control. I almost lost him after the bombing, I was beside him when the pulmonary embolism happened, but I managed, _we_ managed to put everything under control. But then…” Eddie paused, clenching his hand tight as he reminisces on that fateful day.

“Eddie, what happened then?” Frank asks patiently.

“The god-damn tsunami happened. I didn’t even know they were at the pier. I almost lost them to the sea, and I didn’t even know.” _Buck’s broken pleas, Christopher calling out for him, watching Buck crumpled, exhausted to the bone._ “And I almost lose him again to the aneurysm. It’s like a ticking time bomb in his head, and I am terrified every single day that today would be the day.” Eddie finishes with a huff, voice clearly thick with distress.

“Okay.” Frank write few quick notes in his notepad before continuing, “and you say he’s been looking into scuba diving and paragliding. Are you afraid something would go wrong, something beyond your control?”

Eddie bites his bottom lip, worrying the tender flesh. He hates it how Frank could easily read him, saying the right word, but if it is otherwise, then that would make Frank a lousy therapist.

“So why don’t you tell me, what actually happened that makes you feel this way?” Frank prods.

“We have the time, Eddie.”

///

_“You are not alone_

_I’ve been here the whole time_

_Singing you a song, ooooh_

_I will carry you_

_I will carry you”_

_“Going home already?” Chimney asked as he fished out his wallet from the locker and sliding it into the back pocket of his wash-down jeans._

_Eddie looked up from his phone screen and flicking a content smile at the older man. “Yeah. The boys are ordering some pizza.”_

_“It’s a movie night then?” Chimney grinned._

_“Yup.” Eddie popped the 'p' with a chuckle. “Buck has been dying to watch Onward and his eagerness sure surpassed Chris’.”_

_Chimney huff a light laugh at the comment. It was still amazing to Chim how Buck and him ended up as brother-in-laws, but looking back, Buck has always been a family even before Maddie came into picture. Fate sure worked in a mysterious way in stringing people together._

_Speaking of Buck,…_

_“How is our Buckaroo doing?” Chim took a seat beside Eddie, but not close enough for them to be touching knees. That’s usually a Buck and Eddie’s thing, something that this firehouse had been missing for some times now._

_“He’s been great. He’s slowly gaining his weight back, but there’s still some bad headaches and dizziness here and there.” Eddie’s face fell at the thought of his husband trying to mask the pain away and acted like he was fine, just so Eddie won’t be worried._

_Chim admits, the firehouse was never the same since Buck went into medical leaves. Chim honestly thought Buck would fight tooth and nail to get back to work as soon as he was able, but surprisingly he was willing to take it slow this time. Marriage does the boy, no, slash that, the man wonder. Yet, the said man’s husband who is currently sitting next to him is still willowing with uneasiness._

_“Eddie, I was there when the doctor told us that the risk for another aneurysm is small. I bet he’s more than happy to catch-up with some naps.” Chimney tried to lighten up the mood after seeing the sadness that lingered on his friend’s face._

_Eddie shook his head._

_“A small risk is still a risk, Chim. You know that. I just want him to be well and healthy, and to have him back here with me, with us. For everything to return back like how it used to be.” Eddie looked around the locker room before his eyes finally fixed on Buck’s locked one, the distant memories of flirty smirks and teasing giggles shared between them slammed at the back of his mind._

_Chimney put an assuring hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “Eddie, Buck will bounce back. That boy got a hidden spring hidden somewhere inside of him that he’ll get back on it anytime soon. You just have to trust process, let time do the work.”_

_Eddie shrugged, pressing his lips thinly together._

_“What if we don’t have the time?”_

///

_“I know you can’t remember how to shine_

_Your heart’s a bird without the wings to fly”_

“What makes you think you don’t have the time, Eddie?” Frank’s voice softly interrupts his recalling.

Eddie is fully aware of the feeling of distraught that keeps creeping through his spine as the session goes on. He wants to bail out and call it a day. He really does, but his logical reasoning knows that he need to get through this.

“We supposed to have years ahead of us. A long future for us to finally be husbands. We haven’t even discuss about adopting another child yet, because we thought we have the time. Buck supposed to be young and healthy, but yet, watching him in the hospital room, unresponsive, I could feel the years slipped through my fingers and there’s no time left for us.”

“I know I’m being cliché, but you should know the phrase 'there is no time like the present'.”

Eddie wants to scoff, but instead he just shrugs his shoulder at the phrase, because Buck did said something achingly similar to him.

///

_“Is anybody out there?_

_Can you take this weight of mine?_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you lead me to the light?”_

_The smell of freshly made popcorn assaulted his sense the moment Eddie stepped through the front door. Eddie followed the smell of buttery goodness that lead him to the living room only to find it void of its occupants, saved from half-eaten pizzas and some blankets strewn across the couch._

_Eddie smirked, training his ears for any tell-tale sounds of impending ambush. Sure enough, he could hear a shuffling sound behind the closed door of the utility closet._

_“Buck, Chris, I’m home. Where are you guys?” Eddie played along, taking a step closer towards the closet, smiling when he heard some hushed giggles._

_Few seconds later, Eddie could hear the “Gah!” and pretended to be surprised out of his socks, eliciting hearty laugh from Christopher and a knowing smile from Buck._

_As the night passed, Eddie finally feel the heaviness of the day melted away from his shoulder._

_But the easiness was short-lived._

_Passing by the kitchen after tucking Christopher in bed, Eddie found some brochures on scuba-diving on the counter. Intrigued, he brought the brochures back to their bedroom where Buck was reading something on his phone._

_“Darling, what are these?” Eddie asked dumbly, swinging the papers at Buck’s face._

_Buck took a glance at Eddie and a smile so big carved onto his face._

_“Ooh, when I brought Chris to his surfing lesson this morning, they were giving out the brochures. I was thinking of trying it out.” Buck explained earnestly, tugging at an invisible string in Eddie’s heart._

_Eddie couldn’t find an appropriate response to his husband’s enthusiasm, so he just nodded and put away the brochures into his bedside drawer, out of his sight._

_Two days later, Buck greeted him at the front door with another brochure, this time on paragliding and Eddie could feel his stomach dropped and churned at Buck’s excited smile that made his eyes crinkled._

_“Sweetheart, are you sure you want to try these things?” Eddie asked as they both laid on their bed, Buck’s head heavy on his chest._

_Buck had been rambling all day about filling up the bucket list. It was hard on Eddie to see how happy Buck looked but not being able to share the enthusiasm._

_Buck shifted his head to look up at Eddie, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and uncertainty, and Eddie hated the fact that he was the reason Buck having those looks etched on his face._

_Eddie could see Buck hesitated before saying, “you mean about the scuba-diving and paragliding?” His voice broken, projecting the uneasiness in Eddie’s question._

_“Don’t you think it’s still too early for you to participate? You just had a brain surgery. You are still recovering.”_

_“Eddie, that was months ago.” Buck sat up, pulling himself away from his husband, making Eddie shivered at the loss of warmth._

_“I know, but you said you are not ready to come back to work. What makes you think you are ready to try those?” Eddie could hear the challenging notes in his voice as he propped himself up._

_Buck shook his head in disbelief._

_“Baby, our work is dangerous and the shifts are long, that is why I am willing to take it slow. These activities are different. One jump, one dive, that’s it.” Buck replied with the same intensity, crossing his arms in defensive manner._

_Eddie shifted so that he was now kneeling before Buck, looking at him at the eye-level._

_“But at work you’ll have me and the others to keep you safe, to take care of you. I don’t have the qualifications to guide you during these activities. What if something went wrong?” Eddie put his hands onto Buck’s shoulders, clasping the warm skin to ground himself._

_“Eddie, what is this about?” Buck eyed Eddie warily, a questioning look embedded in his baby blues._

_“I hate to let you out of my sight and putting your life in the hands of someone I don’t know.” Eddie confessed forlornly, lowering his gaze to avoid Buck’s piercing eyes._

_Buck could see Eddie’s Adam’s apple bobbing up and down and his shoulder stiffen._

_“Eddie, you hold the lives of our victims in your hands everyday, and you are a stranger to them. But you are trained, just like how the handlers are trained to conduct these activities.” Buck raised one hand to palm the sharp line of Eddie’s jaw, running his thumb across the cheek and caressing the stubble lovingly._

_“I just don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want a future without you in it.” Eddie grabbed the hand on his jaw and kissed on its back._

_“Darling, we can’t change the inevitable and the best moment to live is in the now. I want to live my best life with you now, right at this moment. The present will decide how our future will be. And right now, I want to experience everything with you.”_

///

_“You are not alone_

_I’ve been here the whole time_

_Singing you a song, oooh_

_I will carry you_

_I will carry you”_

Eddie has never been good at denying his husband anything, especially when the puppy eyes are at full force. But the uneasiness and the fear is still sitting heavily on his gut, leading himself to step inside Frank’s office, subjecting himself to the torture of speaking it out loud.

“I’m afraid I was holding Buck back, but I’m really terrified of losing him too soon.” Eddie grits his teeth in frustration, hating the feeling of him failing his husband and at his own cowardice.

Frank nods. “Is the Buck before the aneurysm will take any interest with this kind of activities?”

Eddie shrugged. “I think so, yeah. We’ve saved a victim from a skydiving incident before and he’s been talking about trying it out after the rescue. The rescue was crazy.” Eddie smiles as he recalls the feeling of adrenaline rushing through his vein as they stood side by side on the moving fire truck. Afterwards, when the mother asked if they were single, they had glanced at each other awkwardly and shared a look. They were still dancing around each other at that time, it’s funny.

“Eddie, you have to see that the aneurysm doesn’t define Buck.” Frank’s voice putting a halt in his train of thought.

Eddie breathes out, swallowing his thickening emotions.

“Eddie, the pain and the fear of losing someone you love is a valid feeling. It shows how much you care, how important these people to you, but you have to learn to look past the pain and to live a meaningful life.”

///

_“You are not alone_

_I’ve been here the whole time”_

“Daddy!” Christopher squeals as he strides hurriedly towards the truck, happy to see that his father is the one picking him up today.

“Hey buddy! How’s your day?” Eddie pulls his son into a hug before helping Chris to put away the school bag.

“It was…awesome! I got an A for…for my poem!” Chris cheers enthusiastically as he clicks his seatbelt on.

“Great job, mijo! I can’t wait to read 'em! What is it about? Can I get a teaser?” Eddie asks in genuine interest, feeling his heart swell at the cheeriness in his son’s voice. Chris is always a happy kid, nothing could hampers his mood for so long.

“It is about how…how my dads are heroes. But...but you need to read it with Buck.”

“I bet he’ll love it!” Eddie grins widely into the rearview mirror, looking at Chris’ reflection who is smiling from ear to ear back to him.

“He will, because Buck...Buck loves me. He’ll give me ice-cream. He loves you too, I think…I think he’ll give you ice-cream too!” Chris grins cheekily.

Oh, how he loves this kid.

///

_“You are not alone_

_I’ve been here the whole time_

_Singing you a song, oooh_

_I will carry you_

_I will carry you_

_Oooh_

_I will carry you_

_Is anybody out there?”_

“I was told by a little birdie that you love Chris and me, and you will give us ice-cream.” Eddie announces as he steps into the kitchen with Christopher in tow, who is giggling all the way to hug his Buck.

Buck smoothens the curly twirls of the boy clutching at his waist and smiles at Eddie who leans in to give a peck on his lips before sitting at the edge of the counter.

“I’m sure I love this little birdie more, so I think I’ll give him two scoops.”

“It’s me! I’m the birdie! Can I get two scoops, please!” Chris looks up to Buck excitedly at the prospect of getting two scoops of ice-cream, hugging the man even tighter.

The smiles that adorned Buck’s and Chris’ lips are mesmerizing and the sound of their shared laugh is angelic, a hymn Eddie is willing to listen to for the rest of his life.

///

“He’s finally asleep?” Eddie asks as he cracks a non-alcoholic beer before handing the glass bottle to Buck’s awaiting hand.

“After two and half chapter.” Buck took a sip of the drink as he sinks onto the couch, almost melting against his husband warm side.

“You fully aware of what two scoops of ice-cream will do to him. You brought this onto yourself, and you need to be accountable for it.” Eddie teases as he presses a kiss onto the crown of his husband head.

“Hey, I did tucked him in, didn’t I.” Buck slaps at Eddie’s thigh.

“And you also cried reading his poem.”

“I can’t help it. My son is an amazing writer.” Buck fake-wiping an invisible tear on his cheeks.

“Oh, it’s your son now? Whatever happens to Chris is my son before sunrise?” Eddie reminds Buck on that one time his husband quoted the Lion King when Chris had woke up early on a weekend and whining for some chocolate chip pancakes.

“He is.” Buck nuzzles more into the crook of Eddie’s shoulder, smelling the intense musk of his husband.

The room settled around them with familiar buzz humming at the background.

“How’s the session went?” Buck knows he’s bringing up a sore topic, but after Eddie told him that he’s giving Frank a visit, it took Buck by surprise.

“It’s uh.. it’s eye-opening.” Eddie shifts a little, but not really withdrawing from Buck’s touch.

Buck hums while tightening his hold onto Eddie’s hand, giving Eddie all the space he needs to choose whether to open up or to let it pass until he is ready to speak.

After today, Eddie understands that there’s nothing as important as the now.

“I forgot that you and Chris almost lost me too…after I...after the well incident. And Chris almost lost me back when I was in Afghanistan.” Eddie starts, taking a deep breath in.

“Eddie, you don’t have to…” Buck straighten his back up, putting the beer haphazardly onto the coffee table before shifting his full attention to Eddie.

“No, I want to.” Eddie replies in determination, swallowing thickly before he continues, “when I was down there and the water was rising in and I was slipping away, it was the thought of Chris and you that filled my mind. I heard Christopher’s voice calling out for me and I know I need to fight to come back home to him, to you.” Eddie pulls Buck closer so the man now is straddling him.

“Eddie…”

“It was traumatic for me. It gives me nightmares on how Chris was seconds away of becoming an orphan.” Eddie whispers brokenly, ashamed that he almost fail his son again.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Buck leans in closer, cradling Eddie’s face in his palms, thumbing away the tears streaks.

“What I am saying is, we’re both vulnerable, but we’re also resilient. The aneurysm doesn’t define you, just like how my PTSD doesn’t define me, and Christopher’s CP doesn’t define him. I love you, in sickness and in health and I want you to know that.” Eddie leans in, closing any gap between them as he pulls Buck into a kiss. The kiss starts as chaste before Buck granting full access to Eddie’s tongue which is now attacking his mouth with vigor.

Buck moans, but slowly retracting from the blissful kiss, leaving Eddie whining at the loss.

“I also has come to realize that for this life to have meaning, I don’t have to fill the bucket with thrills, trying different things just because people usually toss them into the list. My bucket is already full with you and Chris, and I am content to just having this with both of you.” Buck blushes at his confession as he settles to kiss his husband again.

“Is your bucket too full for another child?” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips, tucking a stray curl from his temple.

That got Buck’s eyes twinkles so bright, Eddie could see the projection of the stars reflecting through the irises.

“You mean it?”

“Always.”

///

_“I know it hurts_

_It’s hard to breathe sometimes”_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bad at writing poem. Whoever wanted to feature their work is more than welcome to do so. 
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day! 
> 
> Come and yell at my Tumblr @Cirrius-Akiyo


End file.
